I wrote a post this time last year about letting go.
Autumn always inspires these feelings owing to nature shedding it’s summer skin. As someone in tune with Mother Nature and a self confessed Elementalist, I tend to be influenced strongly by seasons and weather.
This year during Samhain, I took steps to let go of everything that no longer served me. Sounds great right? In theory yes, but it wasn’t without its difficulties. Since then I’ve been feeling, a whole lot of … not enough and very lonely.
I know deep down that I have people that love and support me. I live in a lovely home and am happy in my body and with how I treat people around me but I always have a niggle of doubt.
I feel like I’m not enough, that I’m alone in my beliefs and that I’m an imposter in my own life. I feel like
~ I’m really not great at anything and just fool people
~ I’m supposed to have more friends rather than being so insular
~ I’m supposed to be working harder, but for what?
~ I’m supposed to have created something wonderful by now
These things are not comfortable to write down.
My ego would like to pretend I’m impervious to the pressures of lives portrayed on social media.
It would like me to appear ‘above’ being concerned by being more successful, more adored and a ‘SOMEONE’ yet ironically my ego is also the one concerned with these things…
With letting go, despite my ego telling me that this was the right thing to do, it also whispered to me ‘but what if you’ve not done the right thing?’. And with any loss, driven by yourself or others, there does come a sense of sadness.
The pain of letting go and the cure for me
In the weeks that followed Samhain I had so many people leave my life that I had really cared about, work contracts with corporates end and I lost interest in things I had once (pretended to) like. I didn’t know who I was.
The one time I felt most like myself and happy recently was when I went walking in the woods near to my house in the autumn leaves. This came after spending a few weeks in and out of depression, confining myself to my home and bed and regretting my life and my feelings towards the people and things I had left behind.
Why did I suddenly feel happier? Well it was then when it was just Mother Nature and I that I reminded myself that she is all I need.
As I walked through the woods and saw trees that had been there for hundreds of years, they seemed to whisper to me that it was ok. Sometimes the voices of the ancestors come through into nature and it’s beautiful. In those moments, I felt completely free from the feeling of “not enough”. I felt really connected.
As I walked, I embraced the smells of the leaf mulch. I put my hands on the trunks of ancient trees and felt their heartbeat. I could feel the faeries, and the spirits of nature with me, playing and weaving through. I felt one with Gaia.
I am never alone. I am always enough in her eyes.
This is also my experience of The Goddess.
This is the next thing I want to talk about – my feelings of and expereine of ‘her’ which came to me so strongly that day.
Goddess is a word that’s really overused, but that’s ok as it’s empowering and meant with the best intention. What I want to point out is that a Goddess isn’t about being the most beautiful, formidable, successful and awe inspiring women that you wish you could be like. It’s not about being a Victoria Secret Angel or Beyonce, or someone else we need to measure up to.
The Goddess is not human. She manifests Herself as human, yes, but She is the feminine aspect of the Divine. The female aspect of God. She’s not Beyonce but she’s a pretty big deal!
And it’s in my experience of Her, that all my feelings of ‘not enoughness’ dissolve. She is the one who embraces all of me – my gross and my bright, my shame, and my light. Everything is welcome in Her embrace. She’s the one that taught me how ‘letting go’ isn’t scary or sad; it’s beautiful and necessary for new wonder to grow.
Nature is my cure
I feel Her most, when I’m in nature, or when I’m singing, dancing, or creating fluidly in some way.
And so for me, my practice right now, is continuing to come back to nature, to come back to my creativity – to celebrate myself and her.
I’ve been doing a lot of intense healing work lately, and it seems the more activations I receive, the more icky shit comes to the surface to be healed, cleared, and loved into wholeness.
I realised that my empty feelings had intensified recently after the beautiful ceremony I did during Samhain to clear anything holding me back. What unfolded in the days and weeks that followed was bolder than I appreciated but necessary.
I felt alone. I needed love. I felt useless but I understand now that this was the universes way of clearing out toxic shit to make way for different experiences and people.
My relationship with the Deep Feminine has helped pillar me through these changes. In addition to this my relationship with God Pan has made me confident to know that everything is temporary – both pleasure and pain and I have some good shit coming my way.